Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (2nd ed.)

Citation

Billikopf, G. (2012), "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (2nd ed.)", International Journal of Conflict Management, Vol. 23 No. 3, pp. 333-335. https://doi.org/10.1108/10444061211249029

After I gave a four‐day advanced workplace mediation seminar I received a book in the mail. It was a thoughtful gift from one of the mediators who had participated in the seminar. I usually have books lined up on my desk as airplanes on a busy airport runway waiting for takeoff. I found myself setting my other books aside and was soon absorbed by Marshall Rosenberg's masterful work, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. At the recommendation of another of the seminar participants, I also purchased the two‐part DVD on The Basics of Nonviolent Communication by the same author. Rosenberg's teachings have filled an important vacuum in my own work and thinking, so I wanted to share some thoughts with other negotiation, mediation and conflict management colleagues, based on his materials.

As a Party‐Directed Mediation practitioner I make use of the pre‐caucus (or pre‐mediation) to first empathically listen to individuals as they vent, and later, to coach them in the use of more effective interpersonal negotiation techniques – ones that they will need when facing the other party in the joint session. It is for this coaching process that Rosenberg's techniques will be most useful to me. And of course, I have already begun to successfully incorporate these approaches in my own interpersonal relations.

1 Moving away from defensiveness

Rosenberg explains that we can overcome defensiveness when we stop hearing criticism (even if it was intended) and begin, instead, to listen for unmet needs. It is so liberating to see in other people's behavior and communication a set of unfulfilled needs, rather than personal attacks. Say a person shouts at you, uses sarcasm, manipulative tactics, or says things that you may label as inconsiderate and hurtful. As long as you focus on your wounded feelings, the chances of a thoughtful response greatly diminish. Most likely, you end up saying something spiteful and insensitive back, and the defensiveness‐aggressiveness cycle continues. Or else, you may be left not knowing what to say and be accused of refusing to talk. Either way, it seems like a losing proposition.

Rosenberg's suggestion is that we instead focus on the person's feelings (e.g. fear, hurt, worry) and unmet needs (e.g. desire for acceptance, appreciation, trust). We can break the cycle of defensiveness as we share with others what we sense they are feeling and needing. This is much more than a gimmick. It requires a thorough understanding of how to provide such responses tentatively, effectively and empathetically – as well as knowing what approaches to avoid.

Rosenberg explains, “I think you'll find people to be less threatening if you hear what they're needing rather than what they're thinking about you” (p. 95). For instance, we would do well not to put ourselves as the direct object of another person's feelings and needs. Thus, we might avoid saying things like “you're hurt because I … ” or, “you need me to … .” Precise words and delivery need to be considered in order to use Rosenberg's technique effectively.

By being overly sensitive and permitting ourselves to analyze how others are expressing themselves we are burdening ourselves with their inability to communicate. If your intentions have ever been misunderstood – or if you have ever done the same when hearing others – then you know that even in the best of circumstances effective communication is not easy. This one principle, from Rosenberg, would have been a sufficient gift to make his book and tapes worthwhile, but there are many others.

2 Request vs demand

“When people hear a demand,” Rosenberg explains, “they see only two options: submission or rebellion” (p. 79). Have you ever had a request perceived as a demand? Rosenberg explains that how individuals react to us – and the assumptions they make about our requests – will be based, in part, on the history they have with us and others. How often, for instance, are demands disguised as requests? When an unfulfilled request is followed by aggressiveness, manipulation or pouting, then we know it was never a request, but rather, a demand.

3 Self‐criticism

Just as we can learn to hear unmet needs in the complaints and criticisms we receive from others, Rosenberg explains how to translate our own negative self‐talk – not into false self‐esteem‐building platitudes, but rather – into the language of unmet needs. Marshall Rosenberg invites us to think about our feelings and unmet needs that are behind these self‐criticisms. In this way, we may construct more effective and positive ways of handling the same. For instance, if we become somewhat snappy when we are tired, we may come to realize that we had better take better care of ourselves. We can then analyze what this taking better care of ourselves may mean in practical terms.

4 Quotable expressions

I give presentations on the power of sincere praise, and its effective delivery in performance appraisals. The giving as well as the receiving of praise makes many people uncomfortable. At one seminar I remember half the participants took turns sharing how uncomfortable they would be as recipients of the type of praise I had recommended. After listening carefully, I smilingly said, “Just get over it!” Everyone laughed and we were successfully able to move on to the next topic. But I am not sure if I can pull that line again. When speaking about false humility and fear of receiving praise, Rosenberg quotes former Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir: “She once chided one of her ministers [who was manifesting some false humility], ‘Don't be so humble, you're not that great.’” I plan to make this quote into a slide before I begin to share principles of offering sincere praise. Granted, this is a statement by Golda Meir, but there are lots of great lines from Rosenberg himself.

5 Compelling stories

Throughout the book Marshall Rosenberg successfully models his approach in difficult – and often life‐threatening – situations. He provides very powerful ways of defusing others' negative emotions during emergencies, when there is little time to react. Rosenberg has taught principles of non‐violent communication in a number of settings including the Middle East, Africa, and with disenfranchised sub‐groups including youth gangs and mental hospitals. On one occasion he succeeded in helping a traumatized individual speak – after months of silence.

6 Concluding thoughts

Although I do cry at times when receiving sad news, I am most likely to do so when I am positively touched. For instance, during a mediated joint session, when one party says a kind word to another after a prolonged dispute. I found myself crying several times as I read this magnificent book and the examples given. I am thrilled when I can get one applicable idea or increased understanding out of a book. Marshall Rosenberg succeeds in doing much more than that. I am celebrating this gift as one of the most valuable books I have read on mediation and human interaction. The materials seem deceptively simple but I know they will require much analysis and repeated study.